3 A.M. I wake up with a breathless sigh and try to drown out a complaining mind by counting my blessings. A cozy bednest, albeit on the floor with a sonorous soundtrack of family snores. My health - not the exuberant, radiant health of living on my own terms, but at least the absence of severe disease. My spirit, that has survived cities and forests and deserts and dark, dark nights of the soul before. And will survive again, through this most difficult test of all, which I try, try so hard, to see as a blessing.
Which, of course, it is. I am very fortunate to have the luxury of taking several months off to be there when my family needs help. Taking care of a stroke survivor is mentally, physically and logistically demanding, but having a dedicated caregiver and such an eager patient really lightens the load. A stringent schedule of hourly tube feedings, turning, passive exercise, transfers, ambulations and acitivities makes for a full day, even with assistance, but it is doable and often very rewarding. That was what I signed up for, and I really am pleased to be involved - not to mention thrilled at the progress I have seen.
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| Image: ukhumanrightsblog.com |
The fine print in this deal is what I was not prepared for. Somehow I completely overlooked the fact that living with family (mine, at least) involves a more or less complete surrender of basic human rights. Being the youngest member of the household also entitles me to receiving the blame for whatever goes wrong. So much for Universal Human Rights Articles 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12 and 29. As to Articles 18 and 19, which relate to freedom of belief and expression, let's get serious. Religious eccentricities may be tolerated, but any questioning of the household status quo will not. Belonging to a family is an area in which my experience is inadequate, and I have a lot to learn.
The plot thickens, though due to Article 19 above, I daren't say too much. It involves an avalanche of untended papers covering half a century of mostly irrelevant documents, which conceal the occasional crucial piece of a puzzle that must be solved to ensure material survival. Then there is also the occasional essential paper that proves not to exist. And of course the general communication issues that arise in a household - a challenge for me after almost half my life in domestic solitude!
Amid all this, another blessing. I have free choice. The choice to accept the problems (not an option). The choice to try to make things work, despite previous failures. The choice to bail on my commitment. The choice to learn from this.
If my presence here does nothing but reinforce an unrelenting and suboptimal status quo, it does nobody any favours. Quite the contrary. But what exactly are the options?
This is by no means an emotional lament. That is not a luxury I indulge in. My focus is learning, and that is why this matters. Ultimately, whether other people are willing to learn or not is their choice, even if their refusal is destructive. But what should I learn from this situation? To comply with a severely sub-optimal situation? To carry on trying? To give up? Or is there something else? What learning is the blessing in this?
Update (August 16, 21h17): Solvitur ambulando. This Latin phrase, attributed to Diogenes of Sinope, has a dual meaning: (1) it is solved by walking and (2) the problem is solved with a practical experiment. Both apply. Early in the morning I hit the road, and after a long walk, think and the very soothing purchase of a fabulous new backpack (just in case), returned home. That was the walk. As to the experiment, a good, honest talk (unusual in a notoriously diplomatic household) was long overdue and cleared the air. The experiment continues, and the walking should as well. The backpack will have to wait.
Amid all this, another blessing. I have free choice. The choice to accept the problems (not an option). The choice to try to make things work, despite previous failures. The choice to bail on my commitment. The choice to learn from this.
If my presence here does nothing but reinforce an unrelenting and suboptimal status quo, it does nobody any favours. Quite the contrary. But what exactly are the options?
This is by no means an emotional lament. That is not a luxury I indulge in. My focus is learning, and that is why this matters. Ultimately, whether other people are willing to learn or not is their choice, even if their refusal is destructive. But what should I learn from this situation? To comply with a severely sub-optimal situation? To carry on trying? To give up? Or is there something else? What learning is the blessing in this?
Update (August 16, 21h17): Solvitur ambulando. This Latin phrase, attributed to Diogenes of Sinope, has a dual meaning: (1) it is solved by walking and (2) the problem is solved with a practical experiment. Both apply. Early in the morning I hit the road, and after a long walk, think and the very soothing purchase of a fabulous new backpack (just in case), returned home. That was the walk. As to the experiment, a good, honest talk (unusual in a notoriously diplomatic household) was long overdue and cleared the air. The experiment continues, and the walking should as well. The backpack will have to wait.
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